Never will I allow my heart to become small and bitter, rather I will share it and it will grow and warm the earth. – Og Mandino
This week has been somewhat emotional for me, and confusing. If you’re looking for another clinical analysis of the course, you better skip this post. There be bad language and such.
It’s been confusing because we have been thrown many things to do, or to change how we do what we do, such as the order of things, or the timing, or adding some things on some days but not others.
For someone like me with memory issues, who has to have everything more or less in a schedule or things begin to fall apart … things fell apart some this week. I’m not sure that I did everything I was supposed to be doing, for one thing.
I’m hoping it’s been good enough.
And I only have a vague idea of exactly why this week in particular has been so emotional. Really looking at old photographs, reading about love, the old fears about giving and receiving (if I give will I really receive, or will it be like it’s always been, me giving too much and getting nothing back?) … lots of old gunk being dug up.
I think my DMP (Definite Major Purpose) has undergone at least 9 revisions. Each time I get a note back about WHAT AM I GIVING UP and I want to say “this fucking course!!!” but not really. But I do cry and wonder whether I need to mail them an ear or something, because I just don’t get what they want me to SAY!
I feel as if I’m missing something crucial, and I don’t know what it is.
I think it has something to do with love, though.
The Master Key part is mainly talking about the brain as a mechanism, and how we need to learn how that works so we can improve our own, which seems fine. I had never really thought about my brain that way — if it is a mechanism, it’s not working nearly as well as I would like it to be.
But this does give me hope.
So far I have read Mandino’s Scroll 2 three times a day every day since Saturday morning (this is Thursday), and I’m not sure whether I have read it once yet without some sort of emotion. Angry at its stupidity (the ugly have souls of peace?), amazed and in awe, while weeping in frustration and … I don’t even know the word for what I was feeling one time, just crying and wanting to give up and feeling close to despair that anything would ever change for me.
I will love the sun for it warms my bones; yet I will love the rain for it cleanses my spirit. I will love the light for it shows me the way; yet I will love the darkness for it shows me the stars. I will welcome happiness for it enlarges my heart; yet I will endure sadness for it opens my soul. I will acknowledge rewards for they are my due; yet I will welcome obstacles for they are my challenge …
If words are architecture, the few pages of this scroll are a cathedral. It’s like a surgeon cutting out the wretchedness then setting it right so you can heal. It encourages while it devastates.
This thing says that if you don’t know how to do ANYTHING else, if you have love then you will succeed.
The problem, I think, is that I am not sure that I know how to love anymore.
Sure, I love my kids and my husband, but strangers? I used to be that person, a LONG time ago. Once you’ve been stabbed in the back enough times, you tend to not want to trust anyone.
But we’ve been given exercises and promises to give without expecting back. Either you do or you quit in this course, they are hard core here. I do think that’s good.
So I keep going, like clockwork, and do what they tell me to do. That’s about all I seem to know how to do these days.
Well, today we went to the next scroll in the Greatest Salesman book, and this one hit me like a ton of bricks.
Muscle can split a shield and even destroy life but only the unseen power of love can open the hearts of men and until I master this art I will remain no more than a peddler in the market place.
Suppose that you were adopted or for some other reason didn’t know your heritage, and you always wanted to run.
But you never did, because you didn’t want to look silly, or work always got in the way, or you felt lazy that day. But you kept feeling like you should run, and everyone you met said you looked like you would be a good runner, and when you did run it made you feel really great, like this was what you were meant to be doing!
But of course other things always prevented you from doing this, and no one else was running, so you didn’t want to stand out, and you had bills to pay, and when you were an old, old person, dying in a wheelchair, you learned that you came from a family of Olympic runners, stretching back as far as the Olympic records were kept.
And you realized that you had wasted your life doing other things that you didn’t even like that much, being like everyone else, when what you had been born to do was run.
That is sort of like what Haanel talks about in part 5, how we limit ourselves by not using the power that we were born with, our inheritance, simply because we don’t know we have it and never listen to that part of ourselves which is telling you what your true power is.
I love this section:
There is a fine estate awaiting a claimant. Its broad acres, with abundant crops, running water and fine timber, stretch away as far as the eye can see. There is a mansion, spacious and cheerful, with rare pictures, a well-stocked library, rich hangings, and every comfort and luxury. All the heir has to do it so assert his heirship, take possession, and use the property. He must use it; he must not let it decay; for use is the condition on which he holds it. To neglect it is to lose possession.
He later explains that like an athlete who has to use his strength in order to get more, a financier who must use his money in order to make more, a business that must use its inventory to get the money to buy more, we must give and use the power we have in order to get the power and resources we need.
First you have to know what power you do have, though, and it seems to me that this is what these past few weeks have been about — figuring out what truly excites us, what we need deep down in our hearts to be happy, what we want our futures to be like. I have found this to be really difficult, because I’m not used to doing this. All my life it seems like I’ve been trying to either fit in or do for others, rather than to sit and think about what do I want?
It seems as if others are having trouble with this too, if the posts in our forums give any indication.
They never said it would be easy. But it certainly seems to be worth it. 🙂
Okay, this week we’re being challenged to not have an opinion. On anything. Not verbally, not mentally. No opinions. Ever.
(unless we’re a world class expert on something and we are directly asked for our opinion)
This is harder than it sounds.
I find that my head is swimming with opinions on everything — this exercise has really opened my eyes to how much I put my self out there as the authority of other people’s lives. It feels humbling and a bit embarrassing.
This week’s reading focused on the “I”.
Most people think who they are is a race, or a gender, or a nationality, or a religion, or an ethnic group, or a sexual identity. Haanel says that we are not our bodies, as they are just tools of the “I”, just as much as the internet, our car, or the spoon we use to eat with.
Others think that who they are is their mind, but no, the Master Keys says, the mind is also just a tool. When you say “I think”, there is an “I” who is using the mind to do the thinking, the planning, and the acting.
So who am “I”?
The “I” must be something which controls and directs both the body and the mind
He goes on to mention that your “I” is not your personality either, as this is simply the result of your former ways of thinking, your old blueprint, if you will.
So what is the “I”? How can you find out who “you” really are?
He mentions exercises to train yourself to think, to strengthen your conscious mind — your World Without — so it can constructively address the World Within — your subby.
… when you have learned to control yourself you will have found the “World Within” which controls the world without; you will have become irresistible; men and things will respond to your every wish without any apparent effort on your part.
This is not so strange or impossible as it may appear when you remember that the “World Within” is controlled by the “I” and that this “I” is a part or one with the Infinite “I” which is the Universal Energy ….
… referring to the Universal Mind. As I mentioned before, each of our subbies is an outlet to the Universal Mind.
So who “I” am, deep down, is my subby, who uses my mind and body to navigate and create my world.
Now you might be asking at this point, “So if I’m an outlet to the infinite power of God, why is my life so screwed up?”
The greatest and most marvelous power which this “I” has been given is the power tho think, but few people know how to think constructively, or correctly, consequently they achieve only indifferent results. Most people allow their thoughts to dwell on selfish purposes, the inevitable result of an infantile mind. When a mind becomes mature, it understands that the germ of defeat is in every selfish thought.
Basically, it’s because our conscious mind has abdicated as the “watchman at the gate”, and instead is preoccupied with Ebola, or the Kardashians, or the fall TV shows, or how the government is doing this or that, instead of being focused on anything constructive.
He takes pains to make it clear that he doesn’t mean we should give away everything and live in poverty, becoming what most people think of as “selfless”. I personally feel that this attitude is self-destructive and a attempt to selfishly garner pity and attention for how “holy” you are.
I think Haanel agrees:
Self-denial is not success. We cannot give unless we get; we cannot be helpful unless we are strong. The Infinite is not a bankrupt and we who are the representatives of Infinite power should not be bankrupts either, and if we wish to be of service to others we must have power and more power, but to get it we must give it; we must be of service.
He later says:
… we must be a channel whereby the Universal can express activity. The Universal is constantly seeking to express itself, to be of service, and it seeks the channel whereby it can find the greatest activity, where it can do the most good …
I find this seriously exciting! Remember all the little atoms in the Universal Mind’s “plastic mind substance”? Well, they are out there looking to see who is ready to do something good and useful so they can help!
There is so much in this chapter that I could be writing all day … but what we’re doing this week is basically a baby step attempt to turn our minds from our own pettiness and negativity on towards the ideals and aspirations that uniquely touch each of us individually, because these are the things which the “I” has always wanted to do, before the rest of the world with its ideas cast us into some cement copy of someone else (who probably isn’t either happy or doing much with their lives).
And this is only week 4!! I can’t imagine what will happen at the end of this. This whole thing is too exciting for words. 😀
Today we start a new week, and so far it has been more emotional than I thought it would be!
But I got an insight this morning during my “sit”, where this week we are to let go of negativity: every negative feeling we have (including all the “selfs”, like self-pity, self-loathing, etc) are all defenses against grief, either current grief or a possible future grief.
Just think about it. When you’re angry or jealous or worrying, aren’t you really just trying to stop from grieving?
Why are we as a culture so afraid of grief?
Doing this daily sitting shows me very clearly how many fearful thoughts there are running around in my brain.
Ideas and thoughts come into the brain, which is supposed to be evaluating them to see if they are true, then they are sent to the subby, which the Master Keys says is in the Solar Plexus.
The Solar Plexus is called that for a reason!
The Solar Plexus has been likened to the sun of the body, because it is a central point of distribution for the energy which the body is constantly generating.
This energy goes to the entire body, helps energize the brain so you can think better, helps keep the body going, and goes out to help and encourage others.
This explains why some people have what they call “magnetism” and seem to be able to effortlessly get people to like them, listen to them, and do things for and with them. And others don’t.
Since what we think with our conscious mind influences and directs the subby, and thus the Solar Plexus, constructive thinking is even more important:
Thoughts of courage, power, confidence and hope all produce a corresponding state, but the one arch enemy of the Solar Plexus which must be absolutely destroyed before there is any possibility of letting any light shine is fear. This enemy must be completely destroyed; he must be eliminated; he must be expelled forever; he is the cloud which hides the sun…
Here’s the bottom line:
Since the conscious mind is controlled by us
and the subby is controlled and directed by the conscious mind
and the subby is the outlet to the infinite power of the Universal Mind, which is THE creator of everything
then we potentially have control of “the unlimited creative power of the Universal Mind”!!
Which is very cool. It’s the best news you could possibly get, because it takes care of everything in life.
Once you really understand this (which I’m still trying to get my mind wrapped around, tbh) then you “have nothing to fear; fear will have been destroyed and you will have come into possession of your birthright.”
I love this last part … birthright means inheritance, what you are entitled to simply because you were born.
According to this you say clearly what you want, without fear, and subby does all the rest.
Figuring out clearly what you want and removing fear seems to be the two big obstacles to overcome, and that’s what we’ve been up to this week. I feel as if I’m making a lot of progress on both of these so far.
I’ve been having a LOT of anxiety the past few days.
I almost laughed when I read this week’s lesson, which seems to focus right in on fear.
I’ll take that as a sign that all this is normal.
One of the things I have been anxious about (as you know if you’ve actually been reading this) is the pay it forward part of the course.
Don’t get me wrong — it’s one of the most humbling things to know that total strangers paid my way into this, and I WANT very much to contribute.
It’s just that I started a new business about this time last year and well you know how new businesses can get. I’m about two grand in the hole right now with this one, and seeing as I vowed NOT to use any more of my dear husband’s money on my businesses (after a spectacular debacle back in the early 2000’s), the thought of yet another thing to pay for was stressing me out.
But somewhere in there I must have been telling subby I NEED MORE MONEY RIGHT NOW, because lo, and behold! the other day one of my stocks (that had been doing very well indeed) hit its stop loss, and I made $775 in one day! 🙂
One of the great things about this course is the “alliances” which so far is a sort of jumbled up forum where people ask questions, make comments, and sort of talk to each other.
A lot of times, because it’s not really organized in any way, it ends up being a lot of the same comments and questions over and over. But it’s pretty fun, and helpful, as there’s always someone on there if you have something to say or need help with something.
Anyway, I made a comment about something (well, it was more of a complaint/grumble/vent) and one of the staff thanked me for being so honest. It’s the second time on these forums that someone has said that.
But this time, it’s stuck with me.
I guess almost dying will do that to you??
(I’m serious, I did come way too close to being dead back in 1998. Like actually in the ground dead.)
(here comes the mini-rant)
I have had a big case of WTF’ing F?? going on today.
Do they have a problem with people not being honest??
It seems to me that if you’re not going to at least TRY to be honest with this then why are you freaking here? Why take a spot that someone used THEIR money TO PAY YOUR WAY FOR, that could have GONE TO SOMEONE ELSE, if you’re not serious about this?
I mean really. I may be a totally messed up crazy woman in the eyes of the world, but I am DEAD SERIOUS about getting well and changing my life. And if that means doing my best to be balls-out honest with total strangers on the internet then so be it.
Be honest or go home. Or as they say, if you can’t run with the big dogs, stay on the porch.
Love you guys.
Have a great day.