Tag Archive: challenges

Week 11: doubt spike

This hasn’t been the best day for me so far in the program.

But it hasn’t been the worst, so I guess it’s okay.

I did, however, have a terrible hour or two of self-doubt this morning at about 4 am — you know, the “who am I to think stuff like this would ever happen to me, I am never going to be good enough, I’m just in a fantasy world if I think I’m going to somehow have any of this happen” sort of time, where you end up bawling because you feel so depressed about the whole thing.

I still feel a bit emotional about it even now, which is 2 hours or so later. But I have my good habits (“the key to all success”) and I have “turned out” the negativity finally, and “all hate is let from my veins, for I have not time to hate, only time to love”, and I’ve decided that this whole thing is my old blueprint trying to have its way with me again, and it’s not going to happen.

But I did examine my DMP and motivations during my sit just now and it’s all being revised today in a major way. I feel like a good bit of my DMP is a steaming pile of bullshit, and so far I’ve boiled off the ick and gotten down to:

  • People like me, “get” me, and value what I do.
  • Wellness, whatever that ends up meaning. The undiscovered country.
  • Joy of creation.
  • Go cool places (like Hawaii, Tahiti … I want to go to space! Virgin Galactic, baby!).
  • Money to do what I want.
  • Kind of halfway thinking of moving out of the US, just not sure where. I have a couple candidates for the position, just need to interview them.

So … no real point to this, but I did want to share it so you see that the roses do have thorns sometimes. But “I welcome obstacles for they are my challenge” 🙂

Week 6: love and mechanism

Love (noun) 1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

This week has been somewhat emotional for me, and confusing. If you’re looking for another clinical analysis of the course, you better skip this post. There be bad language and such.

It’s been confusing because we have been thrown many things to do, or to change how we do what we do, such as the order of things, or the timing, or adding some things on some days but not others.

For someone like me with memory issues, who has to have everything more or less in a schedule or things begin to fall apart … things fell apart some this week.  I’m not sure that I did everything I was supposed to be doing, for one thing.

I’m hoping it’s been good enough.

And I only have a vague idea of exactly why this week in particular has been so emotional. Really looking at old photographs, reading about love, the old fears about giving and receiving (if I give will I really receive, or will it be like it’s always been, me giving too much and getting nothing back?) … lots of old gunk being dug up.

I think my DMP (Definite Major Purpose) has undergone at least 9 revisions. Each time I get a note back about WHAT AM I GIVING UP and I want to say “this fucking course!!!” but not really. But I do cry and wonder whether I need to mail them an ear or something, because I just don’t get what they want me to SAY!

I feel as if I’m missing something crucial, and I don’t know what it is.

I think it has something to do with love, though.

The Master Key part is mainly talking about the brain as a mechanism, and how we need to learn how that works so we can improve our own, which seems fine. I had never really thought about my brain that way — if it is a mechanism, it’s not working nearly as well as I would like it to be.

But this does give me hope.

So far I have read Mandino’s Scroll 2 three times a day every day since Saturday morning (this is Thursday), and I’m not sure whether I have read it once yet without some sort of emotion. Angry at its stupidity (the ugly have souls of peace?), amazed and in awe, while weeping in frustration and … I don’t even know the word for what I was feeling one time, just crying and wanting to give up and feeling close to despair that anything would ever change for me.

I will love the sun for it warms my bones; yet I will love the rain for it cleanses my spirit. I will love the light for it shows me the way; yet I will love the darkness for it shows me the stars. I will welcome happiness for it enlarges my heart; yet I will endure sadness for it opens my soul. I will acknowledge rewards for they are my due; yet I will welcome obstacles for they are my challenge …

If words are architecture, the few pages of this scroll are a cathedral. It’s like a surgeon cutting out the wretchedness then setting it right so you can heal. It encourages while it devastates.

This thing says that if you don’t know how to do ANYTHING else, if you have love then you will succeed.

The problem, I think, is that I am not sure that I know how to love anymore.

Sure, I love my kids and my husband, but strangers? I used to be that person, a LONG time ago. Once you’ve been stabbed in the back enough times, you tend to not want to trust anyone.

But we’ve been given exercises and promises to give without expecting back. Either you do or you quit in this course, they are hard core here. I do think that’s good.

So I keep going, like clockwork, and do what they tell me to do. That’s about all I seem to know how to do these days.

Week 5: your inheritance

Suppose that you were adopted or for some other reason didn’t know your heritage, and you always wanted to run.

But you never did, because you didn’t want to look silly, or work always got in the way, or you felt lazy that day. But you kept feeling like you should run, and everyone you met said you looked like you would be a good runner, and when you did run it made you feel really great, like this was what you were meant to be doing!

But of course other things always prevented you from doing this, and no one else was running, so you didn’t want to stand out, and you had bills to pay, and when you were an old, old person, dying in a wheelchair, you learned that you came from a family of Olympic runners, stretching back as far as the Olympic records were kept.

And you realized that you had wasted your life doing other things that you didn’t even like that much, being like everyone else, when what you had been born to do was run.

That is sort of like what Haanel talks about in part 5, how we limit ourselves by not using the power that we were born with, our inheritance, simply because we don’t know we have it and never listen to that part of ourselves which is telling you what your true power is.

I love this section:

There is a fine estate awaiting a claimant. Its broad acres, with abundant crops, running water and fine timber, stretch away as far as the eye can see. There is a mansion, spacious and cheerful, with rare pictures, a well-stocked library, rich hangings, and every comfort and luxury. All the heir has to do it so assert his heirship, take possession, and use the property. He must use it; he must not let it decay; for use is the condition on which he holds it. To neglect it is to lose possession.

He later explains that like an athlete who has to use his strength in order to get more, a financier who must use his money in order to make more, a business that must use its inventory to get the money to buy more, we must give and use the power we have in order to get the power and resources we need.

First you have to know what power you do have, though, and it seems to me that this is what these past few weeks have been about — figuring out what truly excites us, what we need deep down in our hearts to be happy, what we want our futures to be like. I have found this to be really difficult, because I’m not used to doing this. All my life it seems like I’ve been trying to either fit in or do for others, rather than to sit and think about what do I want?

It seems as if others are having trouble with this too, if the posts in our forums give any indication.

They never said it would be easy. But it certainly seems to be worth it. 🙂

Week 5: so many opinions!

Okay, this week we’re being challenged to not have an opinion. On anything. Not verbally, not mentally. No opinions. Ever.

(unless we’re a world class expert on something and we are directly asked for our opinion)

This is harder than it sounds.

I find that my head is swimming with opinions on everything — this exercise has really opened my eyes to how much I put my self out there as the authority of other people’s lives. It feels humbling and a bit embarrassing.

Week 1: in which I fight a battle

So things have been going pretty well. We had our first real webinar, and after a bit of thought I wrote down what I want in life and sent it to be evaluated (then of course immediately thought of more stuff but that’s ok), and I’m still doing the readings and the exercises and all.

Today shit just got real.

You know I have had trouble with the darn sitting still for 15 minutes. Well, yesterday, I was feeling annoyed with myself because I kept swallowing! That did not seem as if it was following the spirit (or even the letter) of the whole thing, so today I was determined that I was not going to move other than to breathe for the 15 minutes.

Try 1: 8 minutes

Try 2: not even one whole minute before I swallowed! Grr, that made me mad.

Try 3: this was better, 9 minutes without swallowing. But it was clear that this was bringing up a lot of not. good. stuff. in the ol’ psyche.

I was able to do this on try 4, but not without a lot of appeals to the universe (or whoever was out there), telling myself to relax, that it was okay, Ze Frank’s “just breathe” mantra, bordering on anxiety attacks and everything else … and just when I was sure I was going fail and to have to do this a fifth time, the timer went off.

Whew.

While I’m not enjoying this very much, the fact that I didn’t give up and just say “that was good enough” feels like a small victory. 🙂

 

Week 1 – intro

While it is week 1, we haven’t had our webinar yet (which is tomorrow) so I don’t feel as if this has really started. There was a bit of an introductory video and things to download and work on, mostly reading, but we also had to sit for 15 minutes.

Now this isn’t totally unfamiliar to me, having read Meeting Faith (which is the memoir of an American woman who becomes a Buddhist nun), which talks quite a lot about her experiences with meditation. But I found just sitting for 15 minutes difficult. It sounds silly but it really was hard. I was bored, I was worried someone would need something, I felt as if I was going to sneeze, my back hurt.

(I can see now why people who do this all the time – yogis and such – have such nice posture. Otherwise it does hurt to sit still like that if you just slouch.)

We’re also supposed to figure out what we really want and write it down. The webinar tomorrow is supposed to explain this more.

Watching the webinar replay …

I’m so glad I am watching this … a lot of my biggest worries (I have literally no money to do the “pay it forward” thing — I’m not just saying this, I am serious — and I think my husband was worrying about this too – like “how much is this going to cost me now?”) was put to rest … this is one reason why I have refused to use any of his money for my businesses anymore. He has supported me so much through all this, and I don’t want to cause him any more anxiety.

I got into business to give us a plan B so he would never have to have any worry about his retirement — and used most of my 401k money trying to make this work on so many fronts (not just any one thing — like Edison, I feel as if I’ve tried a zillion things which haven’t worked) and feeling stymied at many turns.

Which is why I’ve come to the conclusion that the issue is me, a motivation for doing this program in the first place.