Love (noun) 1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
This week has been somewhat emotional for me, and confusing. If you’re looking for another clinical analysis of the course, you better skip this post. There be bad language and such.
It’s been confusing because we have been thrown many things to do, or to change how we do what we do, such as the order of things, or the timing, or adding some things on some days but not others.
For someone like me with memory issues, who has to have everything more or less in a schedule or things begin to fall apart … things fell apart some this week. I’m not sure that I did everything I was supposed to be doing, for one thing.
I’m hoping it’s been good enough.
And I only have a vague idea of exactly why this week in particular has been so emotional. Really looking at old photographs, reading about love, the old fears about giving and receiving (if I give will I really receive, or will it be like it’s always been, me giving too much and getting nothing back?) … lots of old gunk being dug up.
I think my DMP (Definite Major Purpose) has undergone at least 9 revisions. Each time I get a note back about WHAT AM I GIVING UP and I want to say “this fucking course!!!” but not really. But I do cry and wonder whether I need to mail them an ear or something, because I just don’t get what they want me to SAY!
I feel as if I’m missing something crucial, and I don’t know what it is.
I think it has something to do with love, though.
The Master Key part is mainly talking about the brain as a mechanism, and how we need to learn how that works so we can improve our own, which seems fine. I had never really thought about my brain that way — if it is a mechanism, it’s not working nearly as well as I would like it to be.
But this does give me hope.
So far I have read Mandino’s Scroll 2 three times a day every day since Saturday morning (this is Thursday), and I’m not sure whether I have read it once yet without some sort of emotion. Angry at its stupidity (the ugly have souls of peace?), amazed and in awe, while weeping in frustration and … I don’t even know the word for what I was feeling one time, just crying and wanting to give up and feeling close to despair that anything would ever change for me.
I will love the sun for it warms my bones; yet I will love the rain for it cleanses my spirit. I will love the light for it shows me the way; yet I will love the darkness for it shows me the stars. I will welcome happiness for it enlarges my heart; yet I will endure sadness for it opens my soul. I will acknowledge rewards for they are my due; yet I will welcome obstacles for they are my challenge …
If words are architecture, the few pages of this scroll are a cathedral. It’s like a surgeon cutting out the wretchedness then setting it right so you can heal. It encourages while it devastates.
This thing says that if you don’t know how to do ANYTHING else, if you have love then you will succeed.
The problem, I think, is that I am not sure that I know how to love anymore.
Sure, I love my kids and my husband, but strangers? I used to be that person, a LONG time ago. Once you’ve been stabbed in the back enough times, you tend to not want to trust anyone.
But we’ve been given exercises and promises to give without expecting back. Either you do or you quit in this course, they are hard core here. I do think that’s good.
So I keep going, like clockwork, and do what they tell me to do. That’s about all I seem to know how to do these days.